Resource Blog
Play Therapy: How it Helps Children Feel Better and Improve Behavior - 1/26/16
As parents, we learn to understand our children by watching them and can usually tell when they are having problems by how they act. When things are not going well for them, children will often behave in ways that cause problems. They may “act out” by not doing what they are told. Or perhaps, they may seem overly anxious or become very withdrawn. There are many ways that children show with their behaviors that they are struggling and not coping well with things that have gone on in their lives.
When this happens, parents worry that their child’s behavior will get worse. They may also be faced with negative comments or complaints about their child from teachers, daycare workers, coaches, or other parents. This can be very upsetting for parents and can contribute to feelings of discouragement and uncertainty. No matter what the behavior looks like in a child, parents will usually become concerned and want to seek help for their child. One of the best ways to help children with behavioral and emotional problems is through an approach known as play therapy.
Play therapy is a psychotherapeutic treatment approach specifically developed to help children between the ages of three to 12 years old. A trained mental health professional, called a play therapist, works with a child to explore and resolve problems through the therapeutic use of play. Child and therapist work together in a counselling space called a playroom, which is equipped with specially chosen toys that will encourage the safe expression of feelings and also support the development of healthier behaviors.
A typical playroom may contain a small sandbox with miniature items (people, animals, cars, fantasy figures, etc.), puppets, stuffed toys, dolls, a dollhouse with furniture, dress-up and make-believe clothing and props, art materials for drawing and painting, construction toys, and some indoor games such as ring toss or indoor basketball.
In the beginning, the therapist will usually invite the child to play in an open-ended manner. The child will be allowed to play in almost any way she would like as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody or anything. As treatment progresses, the therapist may become more directive by encouraging the child to play with specific items or participate in certain activities that would address the child’s current problems.
But, how is play therapeutic for children? How does play therapy work to help children feel better and improve their behavior? What are the benefits of play therapy? These questions can be answered by understanding that play therapy helps children in the following ways by:
Facilitating Healing from Past Stressful or Traumatic Experiences
Sometimes children go through experiences that are stressful or traumatic for them. These difficult experiences that children go through may not enter their minds in a normal manner and can remain “stuck” or even out of awareness. The feelings associated with these experiences can also get stuck and are frequently what cause emotional and behavioral problems that adults observe in children.
In order for children to feel better and improve their behavior, they need to make sense out of the stressful or traumatic experience and assimilate it into what they already know about the world. This is known as “processing” an experience and it usually involves expressing thoughts and feelings and coming to a new understanding about the experience, which then leads to behavior changes. This is similar to what an adult does in counselling by talking with a therapist.
For children things are different. Talking about problems using words is often difficult for children. We do know however that children express themselves much better by playing than by talking. In play, children will use their imaginations and express themselves symbolically through the toys. This means that experiences that have impacted the child in some way will show up as play behaviors. For example, a child who has been in a car accident may play by crashing toy cars together. A child who has seen his parents fighting may use puppets to act out these conflicts seen at home. In play therapy then, children are allowed to express, using toys, all the things they have difficulty saying, or may even be unable to say at all, with words.
When children play with toys in ways that are similar to difficult situations or traumatic events that they have experienced in their lives, this symbolic expression using toys is therapeutic in itself and can bring about positive changes within the child. When a child is provided with a therapeutic environment by the play therapist and is given the chance to process a difficult experience through play, the child’s natural developmental capabilities are activated and the “stuck” feelings and memories become “unstuck.” Just as the body heals from physical injury, the child has an emotional system that can be self-healing as well if certain therapeutic conditions are present for the child. Therapeutic play allows the child’s innate self-healing abilities to be activated, supporting the child’s growth and development on an emotional and psychological level. In play therapy, children do not have to talk about their problems to feel better.
Allowing the Expression of Feelings
Play therapy offers children the opportunity to express feelings safely in ways that may be unacceptable in other settings. At school children may not have the opportunity to express their feelings and may act out with inappropriate behaviors. At home children may be reluctant to express themselves for fear of hurting or angering their parents.
By expressing feelings in play therapy, even if it is symbolically through toys, children can begin to feel better. Expressing feelings leads to understanding feelings, which then leads to a decrease in the intensity of feelings. Feelings become less bothersome so children can then devote more of their mental energy to creative activities and problem-solving, which will result in mastery of tasks and an increase in self-confidence and self-esteem. Old behaviors that previously caused problems for children will change to more positive and adaptive behaviors. The end result is that the child’s inner psychological world will change and grow in a positive manner through the expression of feelings during the process of play therapy.
Encouraging Creative Thoughts and New Ideas
During play, creative thoughts are encouraged, and all children use play to learn about their environment and to solve their day-to-day problems. In play therapy, children will do the same thing and play in ways that help them to make sense of their problems. They can get a better understanding of what is happening in their lives and therefore be in a better position to cope with or adjust to their situation.
A child may play out different endings to a particular make-believe story, finding one ending that feels good. For example, a child may pretend a toy gets hurt by being pushed down the stairs or out the window of a dollhouse by a powerful dangerous toy such as a monster or villain. Then, the child’s play may change so that another toy comes to the rescue (superhero, police officer, doctor, fairy princess, etc.). When the child associates with the hurt toy, she can then begin to understand that getting hurt was not her fault. In addition, she can gain a sense of hopefulness and realize that help is available after a hurtful incident.
Alternately, the child may play out an ending where the hurt toy becomes very powerful and conquers the dangerous attacking toy. When the child associates with the hurt toy this time, he can begin to feel an inner sense of power, which can then lead to an improved self-concept. Even though the child may have no power to change his real world outside of the playroom, in the playroom he does have this experience of being the powerful one, thus making positive changes to his inner psychological world.
In play therapy, children can also pretend to be different characters. This gives them an idea of what it feels like to be in another person’s shoes. For example, a child can pretend to be a helpless victim, a dangerous attacker, a powerful rescuer, a mastermind strategist, or a nurturing caregiver. Again, this is like an adult talking with a therapist and getting a new understanding of a current problem by looking at things from various different perspectives. This ability to experience and understand different perspectives helps children enormously not only to understand themselves better but also by encouraging them to develop a sense of empathy towards others.
Allowing the Development of Healthy Decision-Making Skills
During play therapy, children are given the opportunity to make decisions and choices for themselves, thus enabling them to take control of the environment and to take responsibility for their actions. For a shy child, this is very beneficial. For example, if a child has trouble making decisions about what to play with in the playroom and seems to be unsure of what he should do, the therapist may allow him to come to some decision on his own without directing him as to what he should do. The net result is that the child’s self-confidence and self-reliance increases.
For a child who consistently breaks rules, the opportunity to make decisions and to take responsibility for her behavior is also very beneficial. During play therapy, the therapist may deal with a child’s inappropriate behaviors by setting limits and enforcing consequences in such a way that it is up to the child to make the right behavioral choice to avoid the consequence. In this way, the child is encouraged to develop an internal sense of self-control.
Enabling the Communication of Problems and Concerns to Others
By expressing themselves symbolically through toys in play therapy, children are allowed to distance themselves from difficult feelings and memories, which are frequently too hard for them to talk about directly with others. This gives children the opportunity to communicate their fears, worries, problems, wishes, and desires to others, even if it is done symbolically through toys. Other adults in children’s lives, such as play therapists and parents, can then get a better understanding of children’s inner worlds, which allows these adults to understand what children need in order to provide the appropriate type of help and support.
Supporting the Learning of New Ways of Thinking and Behaving
Play therapists may introduce specific activities that would help children address their difficulties. These activities would be presented at age-appropriate levels. With younger children the activities would likely focus mostly on pretend play activities while for older children workbooks and written exercises could be used as well.
Play therapists may also identify self-critical and self-defeating thoughts children sometimes have. Any misunderstandings that children may have can then be corrected and information can be provided that will help them to develop more adaptive perspectives about a particular situation. For example, a child may erroneously believe that she has caused her uncle’s death by getting angry at him. The play therapist can then help her to correct this faulty belief and help to eliminate her feelings of guilt by encouraging more positive thoughts. For example, the play therapist could make a wise owl puppet tell the child that her uncle died because he was very sick and not because she got mad at him.
Children can also learn appropriate behaviors through modeling of these behaviors by the play therapist. For example, the therapist could enact a puppet show to demonstrate the difference between sharing and being selfish or between cooperation and fighting. In this way, children learn healthier ways of interacting with others and better ways of coping with difficult situations.
Play therapists may also teach children certain skills to help manage difficult feelings. Deep breathing, relaxation exercises, and mental imagery are some of the ways that play therapists can help children learn important self-soothing skills.
Conclusions
Play therapists have recently been evaluating the research conducted over the past fifty years on the effectiveness of play therapy. We have found that play therapy is an effective treatment for children experiencing a wide variety of social, emotional, and behavioral problems. It is also an excellent way to help children recover and heal from stressful or traumatic experiences.
Play therapy is different than regular play however, and to be effective does require the presence of a trained therapist. The play therapist is trained to create a safe environment for the child and to interact with the child in such a way that the therapeutic benefits of play are activated. It is within this unique and therapeutic environment that the child is able to gain relief from emotional difficulties and to develop more appropriate behaviors.
When this happens, parents worry that their child’s behavior will get worse. They may also be faced with negative comments or complaints about their child from teachers, daycare workers, coaches, or other parents. This can be very upsetting for parents and can contribute to feelings of discouragement and uncertainty. No matter what the behavior looks like in a child, parents will usually become concerned and want to seek help for their child. One of the best ways to help children with behavioral and emotional problems is through an approach known as play therapy.
Play therapy is a psychotherapeutic treatment approach specifically developed to help children between the ages of three to 12 years old. A trained mental health professional, called a play therapist, works with a child to explore and resolve problems through the therapeutic use of play. Child and therapist work together in a counselling space called a playroom, which is equipped with specially chosen toys that will encourage the safe expression of feelings and also support the development of healthier behaviors.
A typical playroom may contain a small sandbox with miniature items (people, animals, cars, fantasy figures, etc.), puppets, stuffed toys, dolls, a dollhouse with furniture, dress-up and make-believe clothing and props, art materials for drawing and painting, construction toys, and some indoor games such as ring toss or indoor basketball.
In the beginning, the therapist will usually invite the child to play in an open-ended manner. The child will be allowed to play in almost any way she would like as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody or anything. As treatment progresses, the therapist may become more directive by encouraging the child to play with specific items or participate in certain activities that would address the child’s current problems.
But, how is play therapeutic for children? How does play therapy work to help children feel better and improve their behavior? What are the benefits of play therapy? These questions can be answered by understanding that play therapy helps children in the following ways by:
- Facilitating Healing from Past Stressful or Traumatic Experiences
- Allowing the Expression of Feelings
- Encouraging Creative Thoughts and New Ideas
- Allowing the Development of Healthy Decision-Making Skills
- Enabling the Communication of Problems and Concerns to Others
- Supporting the Learning of New Ways of Thinking and Behaving
Facilitating Healing from Past Stressful or Traumatic Experiences
Sometimes children go through experiences that are stressful or traumatic for them. These difficult experiences that children go through may not enter their minds in a normal manner and can remain “stuck” or even out of awareness. The feelings associated with these experiences can also get stuck and are frequently what cause emotional and behavioral problems that adults observe in children.
In order for children to feel better and improve their behavior, they need to make sense out of the stressful or traumatic experience and assimilate it into what they already know about the world. This is known as “processing” an experience and it usually involves expressing thoughts and feelings and coming to a new understanding about the experience, which then leads to behavior changes. This is similar to what an adult does in counselling by talking with a therapist.
For children things are different. Talking about problems using words is often difficult for children. We do know however that children express themselves much better by playing than by talking. In play, children will use their imaginations and express themselves symbolically through the toys. This means that experiences that have impacted the child in some way will show up as play behaviors. For example, a child who has been in a car accident may play by crashing toy cars together. A child who has seen his parents fighting may use puppets to act out these conflicts seen at home. In play therapy then, children are allowed to express, using toys, all the things they have difficulty saying, or may even be unable to say at all, with words.
When children play with toys in ways that are similar to difficult situations or traumatic events that they have experienced in their lives, this symbolic expression using toys is therapeutic in itself and can bring about positive changes within the child. When a child is provided with a therapeutic environment by the play therapist and is given the chance to process a difficult experience through play, the child’s natural developmental capabilities are activated and the “stuck” feelings and memories become “unstuck.” Just as the body heals from physical injury, the child has an emotional system that can be self-healing as well if certain therapeutic conditions are present for the child. Therapeutic play allows the child’s innate self-healing abilities to be activated, supporting the child’s growth and development on an emotional and psychological level. In play therapy, children do not have to talk about their problems to feel better.
Allowing the Expression of Feelings
Play therapy offers children the opportunity to express feelings safely in ways that may be unacceptable in other settings. At school children may not have the opportunity to express their feelings and may act out with inappropriate behaviors. At home children may be reluctant to express themselves for fear of hurting or angering their parents.
By expressing feelings in play therapy, even if it is symbolically through toys, children can begin to feel better. Expressing feelings leads to understanding feelings, which then leads to a decrease in the intensity of feelings. Feelings become less bothersome so children can then devote more of their mental energy to creative activities and problem-solving, which will result in mastery of tasks and an increase in self-confidence and self-esteem. Old behaviors that previously caused problems for children will change to more positive and adaptive behaviors. The end result is that the child’s inner psychological world will change and grow in a positive manner through the expression of feelings during the process of play therapy.
Encouraging Creative Thoughts and New Ideas
During play, creative thoughts are encouraged, and all children use play to learn about their environment and to solve their day-to-day problems. In play therapy, children will do the same thing and play in ways that help them to make sense of their problems. They can get a better understanding of what is happening in their lives and therefore be in a better position to cope with or adjust to their situation.
A child may play out different endings to a particular make-believe story, finding one ending that feels good. For example, a child may pretend a toy gets hurt by being pushed down the stairs or out the window of a dollhouse by a powerful dangerous toy such as a monster or villain. Then, the child’s play may change so that another toy comes to the rescue (superhero, police officer, doctor, fairy princess, etc.). When the child associates with the hurt toy, she can then begin to understand that getting hurt was not her fault. In addition, she can gain a sense of hopefulness and realize that help is available after a hurtful incident.
Alternately, the child may play out an ending where the hurt toy becomes very powerful and conquers the dangerous attacking toy. When the child associates with the hurt toy this time, he can begin to feel an inner sense of power, which can then lead to an improved self-concept. Even though the child may have no power to change his real world outside of the playroom, in the playroom he does have this experience of being the powerful one, thus making positive changes to his inner psychological world.
In play therapy, children can also pretend to be different characters. This gives them an idea of what it feels like to be in another person’s shoes. For example, a child can pretend to be a helpless victim, a dangerous attacker, a powerful rescuer, a mastermind strategist, or a nurturing caregiver. Again, this is like an adult talking with a therapist and getting a new understanding of a current problem by looking at things from various different perspectives. This ability to experience and understand different perspectives helps children enormously not only to understand themselves better but also by encouraging them to develop a sense of empathy towards others.
Allowing the Development of Healthy Decision-Making Skills
During play therapy, children are given the opportunity to make decisions and choices for themselves, thus enabling them to take control of the environment and to take responsibility for their actions. For a shy child, this is very beneficial. For example, if a child has trouble making decisions about what to play with in the playroom and seems to be unsure of what he should do, the therapist may allow him to come to some decision on his own without directing him as to what he should do. The net result is that the child’s self-confidence and self-reliance increases.
For a child who consistently breaks rules, the opportunity to make decisions and to take responsibility for her behavior is also very beneficial. During play therapy, the therapist may deal with a child’s inappropriate behaviors by setting limits and enforcing consequences in such a way that it is up to the child to make the right behavioral choice to avoid the consequence. In this way, the child is encouraged to develop an internal sense of self-control.
Enabling the Communication of Problems and Concerns to Others
By expressing themselves symbolically through toys in play therapy, children are allowed to distance themselves from difficult feelings and memories, which are frequently too hard for them to talk about directly with others. This gives children the opportunity to communicate their fears, worries, problems, wishes, and desires to others, even if it is done symbolically through toys. Other adults in children’s lives, such as play therapists and parents, can then get a better understanding of children’s inner worlds, which allows these adults to understand what children need in order to provide the appropriate type of help and support.
Supporting the Learning of New Ways of Thinking and Behaving
Play therapists may introduce specific activities that would help children address their difficulties. These activities would be presented at age-appropriate levels. With younger children the activities would likely focus mostly on pretend play activities while for older children workbooks and written exercises could be used as well.
Play therapists may also identify self-critical and self-defeating thoughts children sometimes have. Any misunderstandings that children may have can then be corrected and information can be provided that will help them to develop more adaptive perspectives about a particular situation. For example, a child may erroneously believe that she has caused her uncle’s death by getting angry at him. The play therapist can then help her to correct this faulty belief and help to eliminate her feelings of guilt by encouraging more positive thoughts. For example, the play therapist could make a wise owl puppet tell the child that her uncle died because he was very sick and not because she got mad at him.
Children can also learn appropriate behaviors through modeling of these behaviors by the play therapist. For example, the therapist could enact a puppet show to demonstrate the difference between sharing and being selfish or between cooperation and fighting. In this way, children learn healthier ways of interacting with others and better ways of coping with difficult situations.
Play therapists may also teach children certain skills to help manage difficult feelings. Deep breathing, relaxation exercises, and mental imagery are some of the ways that play therapists can help children learn important self-soothing skills.
Conclusions
Play therapists have recently been evaluating the research conducted over the past fifty years on the effectiveness of play therapy. We have found that play therapy is an effective treatment for children experiencing a wide variety of social, emotional, and behavioral problems. It is also an excellent way to help children recover and heal from stressful or traumatic experiences.
Play therapy is different than regular play however, and to be effective does require the presence of a trained therapist. The play therapist is trained to create a safe environment for the child and to interact with the child in such a way that the therapeutic benefits of play are activated. It is within this unique and therapeutic environment that the child is able to gain relief from emotional difficulties and to develop more appropriate behaviors.
9 Tips for Going Back to School After a Death - 11/12/15
Taken from Whatsyourgrief.com
As you are going through the motions of planning carpools, packing new bookbags, and laying out first-day of school outfits, we know that a peek inside your head may reveal a tornado of racing thoughts and anxieties about your child going back to school after a death over the summer. The freedom of summer schedules may have provided a lot of time with family for support after a death. It can be panic-inducing when that has to change. You may be worrying whether your children will struggle in school. You may be worrying if behavior problems will emerge. You may be worrying their grades will slip or other kids will say hurtful things. You may be worrying that your kids are worrying but are not telling you that they are worrying.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH!
It is normal to be nervous about sending your children back to school after a death. This is a big transition, for you and for them. After a death, when our children are grieving, it is our nature to want to protect them. If you lost someone this summer there is a good chance you have been watching your child’s every move for signs they are not adapting well. You may have been spending a lot of extra time together. You may have been spoiling them a bit, trying to make the pain just a little bit easier. The extra time and coddling can’t (and shouldn’t) last forever, so think of back to school as a helpful transition back into a regular schedule and regular pattern of interactions with friends, teachers, and school counselors. For many children the routine, social interaction, support, and structure will be helpful. For some kids a little extra help will be needed to readjust to school.
Remember, kids just want to feel ‘normal’ and a death can make them feel very abnormal. There are certain things it will be helpful to do to support this transition, but each step of the way keep in mind that your child will not want to feel ‘different’ or singled out from other children. Do your best to respect that, while still ensuring your child is prepared and supported.
So how can you prepare for a smooth transition?
1) Notify your child’s teacher and school administrators. You want your child’s teacher, principal, and other administrators to be aware of the death. As it is a new school year their teacher likely will not know your child’s typical behavior. This will make it more difficult for them to notice behavioral changes. Let your child’s teacher know about your child’s normal habits, behaviors, and personality. Encourage them to talk to your child’s teacher from last year, if possible, to get a sense of how your child typically behaved and interacted in the classroom. Don’t forget that your child may have multiple teachers and they should all be aware. Art, gym, music teachers and librarians should all be updated, even if the time they spend with your child is far more limited. Make sure to let your child know that you will be talking to the school about the death. Discuss with them what they are comfortable having shared so they feel included in the process. You don’t want a child to be caught off guard that someone was aware of the death when they assumed the person was unaware.
2) Speak with your child’s school counselor. After a death, children may start exhibiting anger, trouble concentrating, isolation from other students, hyperactivity, withdraw, loss of interest in activities, depression, and slipping grades. These changes can be part of normal grief and adjustment, but at a certain point they can be a sign that your child needs additional professional support in adapting. A school counselor is an important resource to work together with you, your child, and your child’s teachers to determine if behaviors and symptoms seem excessively prolonged or severe. These could be signs that a mental health evaluation and individual counseling should be sought. Again, make sure your child knows that the school counselor is aware of the death and will be in communication with them, you, and their teacher.
3) Make a communication plan. It will be important that you, your child’s teacher, and your child’s school counselor stay in communication in a way that will work for all parties. Determine how often and through what medium you will communicate (a weekly email, a call every few weeks, etc). If you have any concerns at home don’t hesitate to update your child’s teacher and counselor, so they can be aware, and request they do the same.
4) Seek an evaluation and counseling if appropriate. We have said it 1,000 times before and we will say it 1,000 more times: everyone could benefit from a little therapy – kids included!! If your child’s teacher, principal, or counselor expresses any concern about how your child is adapting and recommend counseling, don’t hesitate. I know I know, you may meet some initial resistance from your child. You may have family and friends telling you just to give it time and that kids are resilient. Keep in mind, this is a better safe than sorry situation. How your child readjusts to school can be an indicator of how they are coping and adjusting overall, so go ahead and make the appointment if it is recommended. It can’t hurt!! Some schools now offer school-based mental health programs and counselors, so ask if this is an option.
5) Prepare your child for other kids. If other students are aware of the death and haven’t seen your child they may ask questions about the death. Prepare your child that this may occur and let them know that it is their choice what they share with other children. If your child does not want to discuss the death with other kids, you may wish to practice with them something they can say to other kids if questions arise. Discuss with them how and when to talk to their teacher if other kids keep asking them questions they are uncomfortable about.
That being said, it can be problematic if a child wants to hide a death from other students. Do not force them to share this information with other students if they are adamantly unwilling, If a child wants to hide the death, work with them over time to feel comfortable openly and honestly discussing the death. If this is an issue you are working through share it with your child’s teacher and school counselor so they are aware and can also work with your child toward an open acknowledgement of the loss.
Depending on their age, other kids may make hurtful, ill-informed, or inappropriate comments, whether intentional or unintentional. Prepare your child that other kids may not understand death and they may say things that are inappropriate. Again, make sure they are prepared with how to respond to another child that says something that makes them uncomfortable. It may be helpful to remind children who are hesitant to honestly share information about the death that other kids may be more likely to unintentionally say harmful things if they are unaware of the death.
6) Brainstorm some coping tools for when things are tough. Your child will inevitably have some tough days or moments at school. Spend some time talking with them about things they can do to cope when they are having a hard time. This may mean talking to a specific friend who they feel especially safe with, talking to a teacher or other trusted adult at the school, carrying something with them that helps them feel comforted or safe, asking for time to go the guidance counselor, or any number of other things that you and your child could come up with together.
7) Prepare your child for work with a school counselor. If your child has not had much contact with the school guidance counselor in the past, let them know who the counselor is, what their job is, and make a plan for you and your child to meet the guidance counselor together in advance of school if your child is nervous. The goal is for your child to feel comfortable being open and honest with the school counselor, so helping them know what to expect is important to getting the relationship off to a good start.
8) Identify adults your child trusts. There is a good chance your child will have a brand new teacher and may or may not have a relationship with the school counselor. If your child doesn’t have an existing relationship with these people, it may be good to identify any adults in the school they do trust and feel comfortable talking to. This may be a teacher from a previous grade, a music/art/gym/library teacher, a principle, teacher’s aide, or office secretary. If there is someone your child trusts, let your child’s teacher, guidance counselor, and that individual know. Ideally the school will allow some flexibility for your child to speak with that person if they are having a difficult day.
9) Give your child permission to enjoy school. A new school year is exciting! It means a new grade, seeing old friends and making new friends, a new teacher, and all sorts of other new and exciting experiences. After a death a child may still be feeling confused, guilty, or self-conscious about having fun and being happy when something terrible has happened. Make sure to remind your child that you want them to enjoy school and that it is normal for them to be happy and have fun.
As you are going through the motions of planning carpools, packing new bookbags, and laying out first-day of school outfits, we know that a peek inside your head may reveal a tornado of racing thoughts and anxieties about your child going back to school after a death over the summer. The freedom of summer schedules may have provided a lot of time with family for support after a death. It can be panic-inducing when that has to change. You may be worrying whether your children will struggle in school. You may be worrying if behavior problems will emerge. You may be worrying their grades will slip or other kids will say hurtful things. You may be worrying that your kids are worrying but are not telling you that they are worrying.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH!
It is normal to be nervous about sending your children back to school after a death. This is a big transition, for you and for them. After a death, when our children are grieving, it is our nature to want to protect them. If you lost someone this summer there is a good chance you have been watching your child’s every move for signs they are not adapting well. You may have been spending a lot of extra time together. You may have been spoiling them a bit, trying to make the pain just a little bit easier. The extra time and coddling can’t (and shouldn’t) last forever, so think of back to school as a helpful transition back into a regular schedule and regular pattern of interactions with friends, teachers, and school counselors. For many children the routine, social interaction, support, and structure will be helpful. For some kids a little extra help will be needed to readjust to school.
Remember, kids just want to feel ‘normal’ and a death can make them feel very abnormal. There are certain things it will be helpful to do to support this transition, but each step of the way keep in mind that your child will not want to feel ‘different’ or singled out from other children. Do your best to respect that, while still ensuring your child is prepared and supported.
So how can you prepare for a smooth transition?
1) Notify your child’s teacher and school administrators. You want your child’s teacher, principal, and other administrators to be aware of the death. As it is a new school year their teacher likely will not know your child’s typical behavior. This will make it more difficult for them to notice behavioral changes. Let your child’s teacher know about your child’s normal habits, behaviors, and personality. Encourage them to talk to your child’s teacher from last year, if possible, to get a sense of how your child typically behaved and interacted in the classroom. Don’t forget that your child may have multiple teachers and they should all be aware. Art, gym, music teachers and librarians should all be updated, even if the time they spend with your child is far more limited. Make sure to let your child know that you will be talking to the school about the death. Discuss with them what they are comfortable having shared so they feel included in the process. You don’t want a child to be caught off guard that someone was aware of the death when they assumed the person was unaware.
2) Speak with your child’s school counselor. After a death, children may start exhibiting anger, trouble concentrating, isolation from other students, hyperactivity, withdraw, loss of interest in activities, depression, and slipping grades. These changes can be part of normal grief and adjustment, but at a certain point they can be a sign that your child needs additional professional support in adapting. A school counselor is an important resource to work together with you, your child, and your child’s teachers to determine if behaviors and symptoms seem excessively prolonged or severe. These could be signs that a mental health evaluation and individual counseling should be sought. Again, make sure your child knows that the school counselor is aware of the death and will be in communication with them, you, and their teacher.
3) Make a communication plan. It will be important that you, your child’s teacher, and your child’s school counselor stay in communication in a way that will work for all parties. Determine how often and through what medium you will communicate (a weekly email, a call every few weeks, etc). If you have any concerns at home don’t hesitate to update your child’s teacher and counselor, so they can be aware, and request they do the same.
4) Seek an evaluation and counseling if appropriate. We have said it 1,000 times before and we will say it 1,000 more times: everyone could benefit from a little therapy – kids included!! If your child’s teacher, principal, or counselor expresses any concern about how your child is adapting and recommend counseling, don’t hesitate. I know I know, you may meet some initial resistance from your child. You may have family and friends telling you just to give it time and that kids are resilient. Keep in mind, this is a better safe than sorry situation. How your child readjusts to school can be an indicator of how they are coping and adjusting overall, so go ahead and make the appointment if it is recommended. It can’t hurt!! Some schools now offer school-based mental health programs and counselors, so ask if this is an option.
5) Prepare your child for other kids. If other students are aware of the death and haven’t seen your child they may ask questions about the death. Prepare your child that this may occur and let them know that it is their choice what they share with other children. If your child does not want to discuss the death with other kids, you may wish to practice with them something they can say to other kids if questions arise. Discuss with them how and when to talk to their teacher if other kids keep asking them questions they are uncomfortable about.
That being said, it can be problematic if a child wants to hide a death from other students. Do not force them to share this information with other students if they are adamantly unwilling, If a child wants to hide the death, work with them over time to feel comfortable openly and honestly discussing the death. If this is an issue you are working through share it with your child’s teacher and school counselor so they are aware and can also work with your child toward an open acknowledgement of the loss.
Depending on their age, other kids may make hurtful, ill-informed, or inappropriate comments, whether intentional or unintentional. Prepare your child that other kids may not understand death and they may say things that are inappropriate. Again, make sure they are prepared with how to respond to another child that says something that makes them uncomfortable. It may be helpful to remind children who are hesitant to honestly share information about the death that other kids may be more likely to unintentionally say harmful things if they are unaware of the death.
6) Brainstorm some coping tools for when things are tough. Your child will inevitably have some tough days or moments at school. Spend some time talking with them about things they can do to cope when they are having a hard time. This may mean talking to a specific friend who they feel especially safe with, talking to a teacher or other trusted adult at the school, carrying something with them that helps them feel comforted or safe, asking for time to go the guidance counselor, or any number of other things that you and your child could come up with together.
7) Prepare your child for work with a school counselor. If your child has not had much contact with the school guidance counselor in the past, let them know who the counselor is, what their job is, and make a plan for you and your child to meet the guidance counselor together in advance of school if your child is nervous. The goal is for your child to feel comfortable being open and honest with the school counselor, so helping them know what to expect is important to getting the relationship off to a good start.
8) Identify adults your child trusts. There is a good chance your child will have a brand new teacher and may or may not have a relationship with the school counselor. If your child doesn’t have an existing relationship with these people, it may be good to identify any adults in the school they do trust and feel comfortable talking to. This may be a teacher from a previous grade, a music/art/gym/library teacher, a principle, teacher’s aide, or office secretary. If there is someone your child trusts, let your child’s teacher, guidance counselor, and that individual know. Ideally the school will allow some flexibility for your child to speak with that person if they are having a difficult day.
9) Give your child permission to enjoy school. A new school year is exciting! It means a new grade, seeing old friends and making new friends, a new teacher, and all sorts of other new and exciting experiences. After a death a child may still be feeling confused, guilty, or self-conscious about having fun and being happy when something terrible has happened. Make sure to remind your child that you want them to enjoy school and that it is normal for them to be happy and have fun.
The Challenge of Being Different - 11/12/15
Being different can be enormously hard. The tendency to torment students who are different is puzzling when we realize that being different is natural. Just as there are no absolutely identical snowflakes or blades of grass, there are no absolutely identical human beings. Even monozygotic twins are slightly different than each other. Humans vary widely in terms of shape, size and skin/hair/eye color. We also vary in gifts, strengths, personalities and abilities.
A hopeful attribute of human beings is our ability to learn. Sure, we have some responses that don’t seem learned, such as a dislike of certain food tastes or fears of rodents or the dark. But even these “natural” responses or preferences can be changed when we’re given new information. Think of foods you’ve come to appreciate or fears you’ve overcome by “teaching” yourself how to handle the fear. Maybe someone else helped you by explaining that unfamiliar, scary-looking thing or by modeling how fun it could be to pet the dog or the hamster.
Children aren’t programmed to automatically fear, hate or belittle people who are different. Fear and hate are learned responses. Unfortunately, such learning perpetuates itself in some terrible ways. Once our children absorb the idea that “different” is bad, scary or something to make fun of, they become afraid of being different. This learned and cruel response to diversity perpetuates itself. It’s partly a hierarchical problem. Everyone is scrambling to be higher on the social ladder than someone else, and everyone is afraid of being pushed down. You probably glimpsed this reality from your own school experiences. For many middle-school students and teens, social acceptance and belonging to a group are so important that they will conform to the rules even if it violates their individuality, their sense of what is right for themselves or what is right in the world.
This brings us to a perennial debate. Many parents feel like giving up once their children hit adolescence. After all, isn’t it true that when your children become teenagers it doesn’t really matter what adults want or expect from them?
Our answer is an unequivocal “No.” In fact, parents and teachers and other adults continue to have influence throughout the teen years. What if we all, parents, teachers, administrators, counselors, bus drivers, babysitters, what if everyone taught our children curiosity and tolerance instead of fear and hatred? This would include teaching children to value the differences within themselves. We’re fairly certain that readers with children who are “different” just rolled their eyes and said something like, “Get real.” to us just now. And readers with children who fear or hate differences probably had a similar reaction. Maybe we are a bit idealistic, but what are the options? In a world as fractured and judgmental as ours, we need to find ways to break down barriers and value each other just as we are. Of course, this would involve an attitude shift, one articulated decades ago by the Trappist Monk, Thomas Merton.
Merton wondered aloud how different our story would be if the first white explorers had learned to encounter other cultures with an attitude of curiosity, an attitude of respect and mystery. He wondered how things would be different if we began with the assumption that everyone was worthwhile. What if we believed everyone had something to offer or teach us? What if we firmly and steadily taught our children these beliefs instead of allowing them to absorb the fear and hatred so readily available in our culture?
Recently, we facilitated a small group in a local school. In the first meetings, students sometimes hurled insults back and forth. A girl and boy from different ethnic and social backgrounds were especially mean to each other. One day as the girl talked about her parents’ divorce, the boy remarked, “Hey, that sounds just like my family.” The meanness between them melted away.
School counselors and teachers need your help. Tell your children you expect them to treat everyone at school with respect, and then back up your talk with action. Treat your children, your spouse or partner, your neighbors and yourself with respect. And if/when you hear a disrespectful comment or behavior toward a minority group, counter that comment or behavior with a polite and calm rebuttal. Parents, teachers and school counselors need to stand strong together as advocates for a respectful school and community where all children are free to fulfill their learning potential.
Rita and John Sommers-Flanagan are counselor educators at the University of Montana. Contact them at [email protected].
A hopeful attribute of human beings is our ability to learn. Sure, we have some responses that don’t seem learned, such as a dislike of certain food tastes or fears of rodents or the dark. But even these “natural” responses or preferences can be changed when we’re given new information. Think of foods you’ve come to appreciate or fears you’ve overcome by “teaching” yourself how to handle the fear. Maybe someone else helped you by explaining that unfamiliar, scary-looking thing or by modeling how fun it could be to pet the dog or the hamster.
Children aren’t programmed to automatically fear, hate or belittle people who are different. Fear and hate are learned responses. Unfortunately, such learning perpetuates itself in some terrible ways. Once our children absorb the idea that “different” is bad, scary or something to make fun of, they become afraid of being different. This learned and cruel response to diversity perpetuates itself. It’s partly a hierarchical problem. Everyone is scrambling to be higher on the social ladder than someone else, and everyone is afraid of being pushed down. You probably glimpsed this reality from your own school experiences. For many middle-school students and teens, social acceptance and belonging to a group are so important that they will conform to the rules even if it violates their individuality, their sense of what is right for themselves or what is right in the world.
This brings us to a perennial debate. Many parents feel like giving up once their children hit adolescence. After all, isn’t it true that when your children become teenagers it doesn’t really matter what adults want or expect from them?
Our answer is an unequivocal “No.” In fact, parents and teachers and other adults continue to have influence throughout the teen years. What if we all, parents, teachers, administrators, counselors, bus drivers, babysitters, what if everyone taught our children curiosity and tolerance instead of fear and hatred? This would include teaching children to value the differences within themselves. We’re fairly certain that readers with children who are “different” just rolled their eyes and said something like, “Get real.” to us just now. And readers with children who fear or hate differences probably had a similar reaction. Maybe we are a bit idealistic, but what are the options? In a world as fractured and judgmental as ours, we need to find ways to break down barriers and value each other just as we are. Of course, this would involve an attitude shift, one articulated decades ago by the Trappist Monk, Thomas Merton.
Merton wondered aloud how different our story would be if the first white explorers had learned to encounter other cultures with an attitude of curiosity, an attitude of respect and mystery. He wondered how things would be different if we began with the assumption that everyone was worthwhile. What if we believed everyone had something to offer or teach us? What if we firmly and steadily taught our children these beliefs instead of allowing them to absorb the fear and hatred so readily available in our culture?
Recently, we facilitated a small group in a local school. In the first meetings, students sometimes hurled insults back and forth. A girl and boy from different ethnic and social backgrounds were especially mean to each other. One day as the girl talked about her parents’ divorce, the boy remarked, “Hey, that sounds just like my family.” The meanness between them melted away.
School counselors and teachers need your help. Tell your children you expect them to treat everyone at school with respect, and then back up your talk with action. Treat your children, your spouse or partner, your neighbors and yourself with respect. And if/when you hear a disrespectful comment or behavior toward a minority group, counter that comment or behavior with a polite and calm rebuttal. Parents, teachers and school counselors need to stand strong together as advocates for a respectful school and community where all children are free to fulfill their learning potential.
Rita and John Sommers-Flanagan are counselor educators at the University of Montana. Contact them at [email protected].
Social Networking: Suggestions for Parents - 11/12/15
1. Monitor your child’s cell phone texting, e-mails and social network pages. Some parents are concerned that they are invading their children’s privacy. Think of it as protecting them and teaching them responsibility. You wouldn't allow them to go to a dangerous place, so protect them from the dangers of the Internet. Even teenagers need rules and boundaries on the Internet. Limit their time on the computer. Don't allow computer usage in the privacy of bedrooms; keep computers in a family room or living room.
2. Teach your children to block people who are inappropriate or offensive. Sure children don't get along from time to time, but if someone is persistently inappropriate, delete that “friend.” Who needs negative pressure? No one wants to hang out with people who don't like them, so don't hang out on the Internet with them.
3. Make sure your children and you personally know everyone they are in constant contact with on the Internet. Sexual predators know exactly what they are doing and give children the attention they are seeking. They are tricky, manipulative and dangerous.
4. Talk to your kids. Know their friends, their interests, their feelings. Be involved in their lives. Be a parent, not a friend. Friendship will come later. Understand your role as a parent. No one is perfect. There are a lot or resources available to help you make sound parenting decisions. If you need help finding some, talk to your child’s school counselor.
5. Communicate with other parents and try to politely and appropriately fix relationship problems on the Internet. They may not be aware what their children are doing or saying online. Be firm but considerate. If a threat of any kind is made, contact your local authorities. You may prevent a terrible tragedy.
Parenting has never been easy. The Internet is making it even harder. We must take an active role to protect those we love.
2. Teach your children to block people who are inappropriate or offensive. Sure children don't get along from time to time, but if someone is persistently inappropriate, delete that “friend.” Who needs negative pressure? No one wants to hang out with people who don't like them, so don't hang out on the Internet with them.
3. Make sure your children and you personally know everyone they are in constant contact with on the Internet. Sexual predators know exactly what they are doing and give children the attention they are seeking. They are tricky, manipulative and dangerous.
4. Talk to your kids. Know their friends, their interests, their feelings. Be involved in their lives. Be a parent, not a friend. Friendship will come later. Understand your role as a parent. No one is perfect. There are a lot or resources available to help you make sound parenting decisions. If you need help finding some, talk to your child’s school counselor.
5. Communicate with other parents and try to politely and appropriately fix relationship problems on the Internet. They may not be aware what their children are doing or saying online. Be firm but considerate. If a threat of any kind is made, contact your local authorities. You may prevent a terrible tragedy.
Parenting has never been easy. The Internet is making it even harder. We must take an active role to protect those we love.
Prevent & Address Cyberbullying - 11/12/15
Adapted from the ASCA Publishing
Bullying behavior among kids from elementary, middle and high school has expanded beyond what parents and teachers may have experienced in their youth. Teasing and name calling have grown into full-fledged attacks spread wide by the use of the Internet, a form of abuse commonly known as cyberbullying.
Drs. Robin Kowalski, Susan Limber and Patricia Agatston, co-authors of the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program’s cyberbullying prevention curricula for grades 3-12, say cyberbullying occurs when children and youth use technology such as text messaging, Internet sites and cell phones to bully others. They suggest some ideas to help protect your child from becoming involved in bullying situations as well as ways to get help.
Keep Tabs on Technology
While placing your home computer(s) in open access areas, such as family rooms or kitchens, can be helpful, it is important to remember that kids can access the Internet from a variety of sources including mobile phones, an iPod touch and handheld gaming devices. Tell your children you may review their online communications if you think there is reason for concern. Consider installing parental control monitoring and/or filtering programs on your computer(s), but don’t rely solely on these tools. Blocking or filtering content works well for younger children. Monitoring and discussion works best for tweens and teens.
Communication is the Key
Talk regularly with your children about online activities, specifically cyberbullying, and encourage your children to tell you immediately if they become the victim of cyberbullying, cyber-stalking, or other illegal or troublesome online behaviors. Encourage your children to tell you if they are aware of others who may be the targeted by such behavior, and make sure your children understand cyberbullying is unacceptable behavior that will have consequences if they take part in it.
When Dealing with Cyber Bullying
Tell your children not to respond if they are cyberbullied but to tell an adult immediately and to save all messages as evidence. Contact the school if you suspect the school district’s Internet system is being used for nefarious purposes; the school is obligated to prevent negative use of its own networks. In any case, you should enlist the school to help you resolve the problem if the children involved attend the same school.
The Rules of the “Superhighway” Can Help
Try to identify the individual doing the bullying. Even if the person is anonymous there are ways to track people down through Internet service providers. Sending inappropriate language may violate the “terms and conditions” of e-mail services and Internet providers, Web sites and cell phone companies. You can contact these companies to get help in blocking the perpetrator or removing offensive content.
Get the Police Involved
Cyberbullying is criminal if it includes threats of violence, extortion, obscene or harassing phone calls or text messages, stalking, hate crimes or child pornography. If any of these are present ,it is time to contact the police and let them track the person down.
Bullying behavior among kids from elementary, middle and high school has expanded beyond what parents and teachers may have experienced in their youth. Teasing and name calling have grown into full-fledged attacks spread wide by the use of the Internet, a form of abuse commonly known as cyberbullying.
Drs. Robin Kowalski, Susan Limber and Patricia Agatston, co-authors of the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program’s cyberbullying prevention curricula for grades 3-12, say cyberbullying occurs when children and youth use technology such as text messaging, Internet sites and cell phones to bully others. They suggest some ideas to help protect your child from becoming involved in bullying situations as well as ways to get help.
Keep Tabs on Technology
While placing your home computer(s) in open access areas, such as family rooms or kitchens, can be helpful, it is important to remember that kids can access the Internet from a variety of sources including mobile phones, an iPod touch and handheld gaming devices. Tell your children you may review their online communications if you think there is reason for concern. Consider installing parental control monitoring and/or filtering programs on your computer(s), but don’t rely solely on these tools. Blocking or filtering content works well for younger children. Monitoring and discussion works best for tweens and teens.
Communication is the Key
Talk regularly with your children about online activities, specifically cyberbullying, and encourage your children to tell you immediately if they become the victim of cyberbullying, cyber-stalking, or other illegal or troublesome online behaviors. Encourage your children to tell you if they are aware of others who may be the targeted by such behavior, and make sure your children understand cyberbullying is unacceptable behavior that will have consequences if they take part in it.
When Dealing with Cyber Bullying
Tell your children not to respond if they are cyberbullied but to tell an adult immediately and to save all messages as evidence. Contact the school if you suspect the school district’s Internet system is being used for nefarious purposes; the school is obligated to prevent negative use of its own networks. In any case, you should enlist the school to help you resolve the problem if the children involved attend the same school.
The Rules of the “Superhighway” Can Help
Try to identify the individual doing the bullying. Even if the person is anonymous there are ways to track people down through Internet service providers. Sending inappropriate language may violate the “terms and conditions” of e-mail services and Internet providers, Web sites and cell phone companies. You can contact these companies to get help in blocking the perpetrator or removing offensive content.
Get the Police Involved
Cyberbullying is criminal if it includes threats of violence, extortion, obscene or harassing phone calls or text messages, stalking, hate crimes or child pornography. If any of these are present ,it is time to contact the police and let them track the person down.
Back-to-School Tips - 11/12/15
Adapted from the American School Counselor Association Publishing
Connecting with Your Child’s School Counselor for a Successful School Year
Understand the expertise and responsibilities of your child’s school counselor. School counselors make a measurable impact in every student’s life, assisting with academic, career and personal/social development. Professional school counselors are trained in both educating and counseling, allowing them to function as a facilitator between parents, teachers and the student in matters concerning the student’s goals, abilities and any areas needing improvement. School counselors provide services not only to students in need, but to all students.
Meet or contact your child’s school counselor at least three times per school year. The beginning of a school year is an excellent opportunity to initiate contact with your child’s school counselor and doing so can ensure your child’s positive school experience. Find out who the counselor is and what his or her experience and background are. By communicating with one another at the beginning, middle, and end of the school year, parents and counselors can have a definite impact on a child’s success.
Discuss your child’s challenges and concerns with the school counselor. As a parent, you know your child best. However, the school counselor can help you better understand your child as a student. It’s important to encourage your child’s expression of needs, hopes and frustrations. School counselors are trained to help your children.
Learn about your child’s school and social connections from the school counselor. When you need information or assistance, your child’s school counselor can help you get in touch with the appropriate school officials; learn about school policies on behavior, attendance, and dress; know the school calendar of important dates and stay connected with the school in many other ways. The school counselor can also help you locate resources in the community when you need them.
Work with the school counselor to identify resources and find solutions to problems. If your child is having a problem at school, it is important to work with your child’s school counselor to find solutions. Discuss resources available within and outside of the school, and get information on how such programs can benefit your child. Your school counselor can be a valuable partner in your child’s education and preparation for life beyond school.
Connecting with Your Child’s School Counselor for a Successful School Year
Understand the expertise and responsibilities of your child’s school counselor. School counselors make a measurable impact in every student’s life, assisting with academic, career and personal/social development. Professional school counselors are trained in both educating and counseling, allowing them to function as a facilitator between parents, teachers and the student in matters concerning the student’s goals, abilities and any areas needing improvement. School counselors provide services not only to students in need, but to all students.
Meet or contact your child’s school counselor at least three times per school year. The beginning of a school year is an excellent opportunity to initiate contact with your child’s school counselor and doing so can ensure your child’s positive school experience. Find out who the counselor is and what his or her experience and background are. By communicating with one another at the beginning, middle, and end of the school year, parents and counselors can have a definite impact on a child’s success.
Discuss your child’s challenges and concerns with the school counselor. As a parent, you know your child best. However, the school counselor can help you better understand your child as a student. It’s important to encourage your child’s expression of needs, hopes and frustrations. School counselors are trained to help your children.
Learn about your child’s school and social connections from the school counselor. When you need information or assistance, your child’s school counselor can help you get in touch with the appropriate school officials; learn about school policies on behavior, attendance, and dress; know the school calendar of important dates and stay connected with the school in many other ways. The school counselor can also help you locate resources in the community when you need them.
Work with the school counselor to identify resources and find solutions to problems. If your child is having a problem at school, it is important to work with your child’s school counselor to find solutions. Discuss resources available within and outside of the school, and get information on how such programs can benefit your child. Your school counselor can be a valuable partner in your child’s education and preparation for life beyond school.